I'm really into asian looking animals
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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