Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
