connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
