dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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