I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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