You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
