he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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