Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
