We named our party play list daddy issues
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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