my mouth tastes like poor choices
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
