mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
