If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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