Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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