I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
We're not piercing ourselves today.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
