I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
