Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
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At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
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Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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