I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
