Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
you made out with another girl for some wings
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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