my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
