I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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