Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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