Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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