Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
