If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
