I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
