Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
