he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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