Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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