The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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