I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
