girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
