There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
