According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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