you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
