Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
