If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
