It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream