my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?