I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
These 25 Rude People Ruined Movies for Everyone Else
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
23 Cringeworthy Responses to “I Love You”
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.