I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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