well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
