The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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