I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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