so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
