Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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