i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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