totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
