I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'm just crazy horny about you
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
