When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
