Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
