Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
