My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
