Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
