Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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