She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
