I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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