YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
ttyl tear gas
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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