made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
