I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
