...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
