I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
