Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
